pagan – My Sterling Summer

couch sittin’ and candle burnin’

Why oh why do I wake up so damn early on a Saturday morning with no problem. But during the week I struggle to get up? I will never understand. Maybe it’s so I can enjoy a mid-afternoon snooze later in the afternoon.

I’m sitting here on my couch. Laptop in hand, or lap as it were. My candle is lit and I am watching as the sun’s rays begin to illuminate the skies. Turning from the dark night sky to a beautiful orange ombre. Soon it will be the usual bright blue sky that we are used to during the warm autumn days.

The past couple of weeks have been exhausting. I don’t know what it is. But I had a pretty dark moment. Just a feeling of…despair? hopelessness? It was just pure negativity. How to describe it, I’m not sure. Thankfully, it has turned around. I am strong and I know this.

Two years have passed since we moved to this small city. I have no friends here. Not that I had any friends in our previous town, but there was family. I should clarify, there was MORE family. Here it is me, my spouse, and my mom and stepdad. I work remotely, so there are no office acquaintances. I have met two neighbors on our street. We don’t get out a lot. But I am feeling like I need to start getting out at least some.

Going further back, I used to be more social. (shocking) We belonged to a local church and actually had friends! LOL It is there that I, unknowingly at the time, started the journey I am on now. I discovered how much I enjoyed cooking and serving others. While I didn’t do this in a church in our previous “home state,” I was able to do it for family. But now…that is gone and I need to get it back. Not the church part. NO. The service to others. Cooking for others. Fellowship, if you will. But with other like minded individuals.

Not far from my house is an apothecary. I never really gave it much thought – until recently. In fact, I have noticed quite a few of these stores in my general area. Having basically left the church 10 years ago or so, this is a pleasant discovery, considering my place in the universe right now.

Pause ~ ~ ~

Everything you just read was written a little over four months ago and saved as a draft. It all still tracks, so I’m going to keep going.

Carry on ~ ~ ~

I am sitting here with my laptop in front of me overthinking everything that I could write – as per usual. Literally just chatted with a friend who told me something I was pretty sure I already knew. Gotta lose the filter. There is this terrible habit I have. Sometimes I try to write in a way that others would enjoy. Story of my life. Please other people. No. No more.

So what is my place in the universe currently? I am living in one of the reddest states in the country watching our government go to shit. I have been so fucking stressed, anxious, and depressed it’s not even funny. Most of the country can totally relate. I am sure of it. Thank God I have family and friends to help keep me going.

Finding myself, or my purpose in this world, seems to be my life long quest. Wait…that sounds familiar.

(please hold while I look back at my past posts)

Wouldn’t you know it? Exactly one year ago today I was saying the same damn thing. LOL So yeah, the past 12 months have been a bit of a soul searching journey. Sadly, not much has changed in the social status situation, but some things have.

I have learned more, and continue to learn, about the wheel of the year, kitchen witchery, candles, crystals, oracle cards, and I have even posted a few videos on social media about them! Never thought in a million years that I’d put myself out there like that. I do like it and would like to do more for sure.

Oh! I even found a shop in the city that is absolutely amazing. I have never seen anything like it. Crystals, candles, incense, books, jewelry, tarot and oracle cards for days, and so much more. Just walking in there was an experience. I felt it throughout my whole body. Another trip to that shop is in order for sure. But I have to be careful not to walk out with 10 new oracle decks. 😀 (is there a way to add emojis? I’ll have to figure that out)

Speaking of tarot and oracle cards, I pulled a card from my Queen of the Moon deck this morning. It was the “Power” card which says:

“Step into your true power. Shine brightly. Do not hide who and what you are. The time is right to attract big things for yourself. Ancestral energy is important. Open your mind to larger possibilities. Big magic can be wrought…Take this moment to recognize that power and rejoice in it, for your next step is the precursor to your future self.”

This message along with a few other cards I’ve pulled from my other decks recently really feel like the Spirit is telling me something. This new year has the potential to be a great year. Good things won’t just happen, but if I put my work into it…

Then my friend, who is like 2000 miles away, pulled a card for me from her La Muci Tarot deck – “The Hermit.” Basically saying that now is the time to bathe in my own light – time to cultivate it. Yeah. It’s time. I need to focus. Be more me. Stop people pleasing and enjoy life.

Have a great weekend. Enjoy The Olympics! Enjoy The Super Bowl! Listen to some awesome music! Oooh ~ I’ll share a new song I just heard today. Blessed Charlie Puth is bringing Yacht Rock back. (Wait til you hear the one he recorded with Kenny Loggins and Michael McDonald *swoon*) I need this album next month. Enjoy!

The light is coming back

Man. January was the longest year I have had in a very long time. WTF. I have been exhausted. Thankfully I have a dear friend to connect with and I even have a mutual on TikTok whose videos I watch and connect with. She seems super nice. I’d like to chat with her, but it seems strange to just message a total stranger. LOL

Lately, my focus has been off terribly. We just entered Imbolc season and I feel like I was just sort of going through the motions. I did a couple of things that I had planned out with my friend, but I’m a solo practitioner and my husband isn’t really aware or concerned with it. Not that I hide it, but it’s just me. It is hard to know exactly what I should be doing. On the other hand, there isn’t anything that “should” be done or “has to” be done. I need to follow my intuition more. That’s where the focus has been off.

With the crazy things that have been happening in our world, the TikTok sale, life…I was running low on motivation. News made me sad, angry, anxious. The new social platform now makes me kinda nervous. Do I want to post videos there anymore? Not that I did much to begin with, but I was considering it. And work just never stops! Shit…I am totally whining. Venting? I have to get stuff off my chest somehow, right? Anyway…

Back to Imbolc. This is the time between the winter solstice and the vernal equinox aka Spring. It is a time we really start to see our days getting longer. I know I have and I love it! The birds are singing up a storm these days. The land is waking up. Those birds will be making nests before we know it. It is time to start planning the garden. The new year is approaching fast and I am hoping this year will provide a more abundant garden, more joy, and more motivation on my part. Connecting to nature is one thing I would like to do. Even if it is just being outside in my yard and enjoying the fresh air. When I was a kid, I was outside ALL.THE.TIME.

Another thing that I’ve been thinking about a lot is my oracle cards. I have four beautiful decks and I enjoy using them as tool to help understand where some work could be done in my life. But I want to share this with others as well. At heart, I am a counselor. Always have been. I am empath, understanding, encouraging and tend to see the good in everything. I even have the “Elemental Empath” oracle deck by Miyuki Rose. Well, I used to be all of those things. It’s been rough over the past few years, you know? This part of my life has been missing it seems. I want it back. These cards can also be used for shadow work. And if it helps me, it can help someone else too.

My dilemma is finding a good time to make videos and/or audio recordings and what platform to post them on. As usual, I start comparing myself to others and the ways that they’re doing it. I need to sit and think about it and decide what feels best for me.

One of the cards I pulled a couple of days ago was the “Beginnings” card from the Queen of the Moon Oracle deck (by Stacey Demarco). It says, “You are offered a fresh start; your journey is beginning. Take the first steps toward something new. It is time to place emphasis on your health and well-being.” This resonates. We are walking toward a new year…a new journey. Being outside with my garden will certainly do good things for my health and well-being. Encouraging others will also help in those areas as well.

Time to put the focus on myself. This is not to say that I would ignore others. But as I have always been told, you can’t take care of others if you’re not taking care of yourself.

It’s time.

crystals and cards…

So I guess I have made some progress! In the past 10 or so months I’ve gone from my first moon water to having a window sill full of crystals and stones, a drawer full of candles, and even purchased my very first deck of oracle cards. Queen of the Moon Oracle to be exact. It is a beautiful set. I was inspired by a woman I follow over on TikTok. She is new to the practice as well.

The road traveled this year has been somewhat rocky. Stress, anxiety, a garden that I didn’t put my full effort into and still struggling with the whole “I don’t fit in” type of thinking…you know. Those kinds of things. But I know I am moving forward. One step at a time. There are so many things that I want to learn! I have a very bad habit – no, that’s not the right word – character trait? I don’t know. Whatever it is, it makes me get frustrated that I can’t just learn and absorb all of this information instantaneously. LOL Probably ADHD if I’m being honest.

Astrology, crystals, kitchen witchery, candle magick, oracle/tarot, goddesses and gods, – these are all of the things that I want to learn more about. My practice will most certainly be eclectic. And over time, I may be drawn in one direction more than another. The trick here is not to keep overwhelming myself. Because there is so much information out there, it is easy to do. I know I’m repeating myself from other posts, but it’s like another reminder to focus on one subject at a time.

Right now, I want to look at the three oracle cards that I pulled yesterday. Or should I say, the three cards that basically jumped out at me. And if you’re reading this and you use oracle and/or tarot cards and wonder why I’m looking at cards pulled yesterday, well, maybe my card pulling schedule is going to be different. I may use the cards weekly for now. Everyone’s life schedule is different. That’s all!

First up is Balance. This card is actually quite appropriate at this moment. It says that “Extremes of anything are rarely helpful or useful.” Expecting myself to learn it all fast is the extreme. Certainly not helpful or useful. I need to balance the various areas of my practice as I am learning more about them and becoming more comfortable and knowledgeable. We will probably never have ‘perfect’ balance in our lives. But it is important to recognize where the imbalance is (and I’m starting here) and use self-reflection as a tool to help get ourselves/myself more centered and feel less overwhelmed.

The next card is Pleasure. Essentially this card is telling me that I need to stop taking things so seriously, like being stressed out about learning everything at once, and focus on what makes me happy. The booklet that goes with the deck says what we all know. Life these days has gotten us to feel like we have to be ‘doing’ all the time. Like if we aren’t always keeping busy with something, we’re being lazy. No! We need to take breaks in life so that we can experience pleasure. Whether that is a quiet evening on the couch with a glass of wine, candles, and a good book or an afternoon at the museum or heck – you may want or need a good roll in the hay with someone and enjoy each other! LOL

Lastly, I got the card of Self-Reflection. (Funny how the Balance card mentioned this topic) “Be curious about your own nature. Choose to turn inwards to quietly contemplate who and what you are and want.” Talk about a perfect message! One of the things I tried to start during this year is shadow work. But there were so many things buzzing around my brain that it was just another thing that got thrown into the mix and forgotten. This pairs well with the Balance card for sure.

So for me, it will be important to try to set a sort of schedule. With the things going on in my life, it’s not always easy trying to fit something in every day. And some days may just not work at all. We all get exhausted sometimes and that is a hint that you/I may need to just take a day of rest…a mental health break of sorts.

Treat yourself.

Just be yourself

Have I mentioned how overwhelming the internet can be? I’m pretty sure I have. Dang. While one can glean much valuable information from the ‘net, you can just as easily get confused and discouraged. Taking a break is a good thing now and then.

One of the things that I had been mulling over in my brain was the “witch aesthetic.” What I mean by that is that the vast majority of posts/pictures that I see when browsing all have this dark academia, foresty, everything is brown and black kinda vibe. “Am I doing it wrong?” I was worried. I mean I know I have been told to just do what feels right to you. And my friend (who has her own practice) her home was not all dark either…except the front parlor room. LOL But a girl starts to doubt herself when so many others seem to be doing it “the right way” – – Until today!

Scrolling through witchy posts, I came across one where her home was brightly decorated and I loved it! It was exactly what I needed to see. I’m not the only one! Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the darker decor, in fact, I really like it, but it’s just not how I want to decorate at home. You should have seen my daughter’s bedroom. Wow…talk about dark. But it looked so good!

Originally, I had thought that the kitchen of my dreams would have beautiful ocean-y blues but I found a picture of a kitchen that I fell in love with. The colors were muted, not dark, but not bright white either. The farmhouse style sink was black and there was butcher block countertops, floating shelves, a gorgeous gas stove…it was nearly perfect. Who knows when we’ll be able to redo our kitchen, but we can dream. Or maybe sell this house one day and buy one that already has an amazing kitchen. I need a good kitchen.

That brings me to another thing I see online all the time. Labels. Everyone has a label. In fact, in a FB group I belong to, someone asked a question about the type of witch they are/may be, and someone answered with a HUGE list of types of witches. I was a little taken aback with that list. Which one am I? I already feel like I am more of a house/kitchen witch. But even the description of that doesn’t fit 100%. Seems like labels are more of a hindrance than a help. What do you think?

When I read about the “House Witch” it made me think of my paternal grandmother. Her home was the center of our family. Holiday gatherings and any other gathering you can think of was at her home. And she always had a feast set out for the group. I grew up with a very strong desire for my home to be the same one day. I dreamed about my immediate and extended family visiting and having that same magical feeling I had as a child. Unfortunately, It isn’t but my desire to feed an army has never left me. Cooking for my former church really helped scratch that itch, so-to-speak. It was wonderful! I just wish I could do the same again.

Let’s all be sure to remind ourselves that just because we see others practicing a certain way, that does not mean we have to do what they are doing. We do not have to fit into a certain mold when it comes to the way we may or not practice. I mean…I like brighter colors, I enjoy being in the kitchen cooking, creating recipes, sharing with others, the moon, the stars, candles, journaling and making moon water. What kind of witch is that? Who knows? Who cares?

Just be yourself.

The Snow Moon

I wish I was sitting in a space like in the photo above. Being out under the moonlight would be wonderful, except that it is 17 degrees outside right now. There is no place for me to do any ritual. But I am here…with you while you are reading this.

This is all so new to me. Still somewhat overwhelming as I fight the thoughts that hold me back. Remembering that there is no right or wrong way to embrace my own personal spirituality is the struggle sometimes. So I am here…doing what I enjoy…writing.

I have read that during this time of the Snow Moon, I should write down my intentions. What do I want to manifest? What do I want to release? What do I want to bring into my life? These are difficult questions to answer for me as I have lived the past 35 years taking care of others and meeting their needs while setting my own wants and needs aside. I can barely even tell my kids what I would like as a birthday or Christmas gift. What do I want? I want them to be happy. But I deserve to be happy too, right?

While reading today, or listening to an audiobook, or was it a TikTok video? Yeah…it was a TikTok video, the creator spoke of removing the barriers that I have that prevent me from experiencing childlike joy. What a statement. How long has it been since I experienced true joy? Like just live and experience something without worry and just take it all in…enjoy it to the fullest. It has been a very long time my friends.

But this is a start. I began writing in a diary when I was about 14 years old. I would write almost daily. Thoughts, hopes, fears, poems, whatever came to mind. I remember when that practice stopped. I gave up myself for someone else. I can see the moment that my life trajectory changed. Kinda mind blowing. Yet here I am. Putting my intentions out into the universe.

With a Snow Moon playlist going in the background and the power of the moon around us, and the Creator by my side, I intend to get back to the things I love. Journaling, serving, being an encouraging human being. And my desire is to be more in tune with nature. As the Imbolc season began, so did the seedlings for what is to become my garden this spring. I look forward to taking care of it so that it can nourish and take care of me. My friend called it Brigid’s Bounty, for the goddess Brigid.

Releasing negativity and things that no longer serve me are also things that are done during the full moon. Let me tell you, the past several years have been full of trials and tribulations, stress and chaos, anxiety and fear. My attitude certainly did change. My intention is to look at things more positively again. Not that every situation is a positive one…I know. But I don’t want to be so fearful. I want to release the burden of fear. I want to release this anxiety. Not every situation, not every day, is going to be perfect. My intension is to look at things in a more positive manner, or at least try.

I want to bring in good habits that help me take better care of myself and release the bad habit of neglecting myself and my health. I want to find my spiritual path. Any real sort of spirituality has been missing in my life for almost 10 years now. May this new journey that started with the new moon earlier this month, introduced me to Imbolc, and has now landed me here during the full Snow Moon, help me move forward…teach me new lessons…help me heal… and so much more.

Blessed be.

A new beginning…again

Welcome to My Sterling Summer

Almost 55 years in and I “still haven’t found what I’m looking for.” I thought I found it, but boy oh boy, that was not it. What a shit show that morphed into. I tend to be undecided. I swear sometimes. My thoughts wander. I’ll write something and then go back and change something. Like this font. I like it. But next week maybe I won’t and I’ll want to make it look different. Some may say that I have adhd. Probably do. But what does that have to do with anything that I may write here in this new blog? Not a thing. I ramble too.

I guess I have always felt like an outsider of sorts. Never belonged to any clique. Not that I didn’t want to at times, but I knew I couldn’t be me. Never really found my way. When it comes to religion, well, I don’t want to be religious. I want spiritual connection. I’m not sure exactly how to put that into words.

Throughout my life I’ve had a sense of good and a bad, right and wrong, if you will. I have been interested in astrology, crystals, the stars, the sun and moon. I believe that my ancestors understood nature and how to use it, hear it, and they loved it. Then religion dug it’s ugly claws in. I suppose it wasn’t all bad. I did learn some good lessons and made some great friends. Well, at least one. And just recently discovered that there is a small genealogical chance that we may be related by way of Ireland. How cool would that be? But I digress. Somewhere along the line I built a wall to keep those things out. It’s time to “tear down this wall.” btw…I’m a silly genx-er who loves music and will insert lyrics and/or quotes in at random times. LOL

Moon Water, Imbolc, and St. Brigid

The last couple of weeks have been a learning experience. We had a new moon and I made moon water. In all honesty, I question my abilities and the actual power of my moon water. While making it, I was nervous. My worst habit would not leave me alone. I worried about what others would think. Why? Who would even know that I was making moon water? Is God going to see that I’m doing “witchy” things and punish me? My head can really get me sometimes.

Following in the days after the new moon was Imbolc – a time of celebration that I had never heard of. I knew the solstices and the equinox but the wheel of the year is a wholly new experience for me. And St. Brigid? I had heard the name but had no idea who the goddess Brigid was and that she had been canonized by the church and became St. Brigid. With this new lesson was much to take in. Altars, pause-reflect-live with intention, scry, journaling, etc. It was rather overwhelming, if I’m being honest.

But with some kind words, videos watched, blogs read, I am reassured that there is no “perfect way” to do this – to be spiritual – I have to do what I feel is right for me. And use items I already have. For instance, I have a few candles that were gifts from my daughters. I used them when journaling. At some point I can purchase some white candles and candlesticks, but for now, this is good.

My moon water, by the way, did not cause my husband to look at me like I am crazy. That was a relief. I even explained that I had used some on the seeds we had planted a few weeks ago. They’re doing amazing! May Brigid bless what will become our garden this year.

Back in the days I attended an Evangelical Christian church, I served in the kitchen.

I have to pause here for a moment. I’m chuckling to myself right now. The reason I even started working in the kitchen at our church is the entire reason I am where I am. My kindred sister, who very well may be a distant relative. Far too much to explain right here. But damn it if it doesn’t all just come together.

As I was saying, I served in the kitchen. First just helping to clean up then eventually cooking with the woman who would become a sister, learning about so much as our friendship grew, and then when the world got turned upside down for a time and she had to move, my husband and I took over the duties of feeding 75 – 80 people a week. Sometimes more. And I loved it! It was a lot of work and preparation, but it was so fulfilling.

This friend…this sister…she has introduced me to not only the goddess Brigid, but to the wheel of the year, phases of the moon, and just helping me to deconstruct that wall that I have built up over the last 25 years or so.

So here I am. On my continued journey. (Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate this thing we call life) Sorry. Couldn’t help it. Where will it take me next? Who knows. But I am looking forward to enjoying the seasons in ways I never imagined…enjoying the process of getting our garden together again this year. And I pray that this new season in my life will bring joy and many new beginnings.

Blessed be.